Saturday, 3 June 2017

Kadhal; Kaalam; Kannamoochi: Part 2

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It has been 7 years since I felt in love with her. I knew we are a perfect match for each other. I guess it is a case of meeting the right people at the wrong time. She had just coupled up with this guy and there is nothing I could do about it.

In this 7 years, she had gone abroad and completed her studies. It has been 2 years since she returned back to Malaysia and today she is working for a very reputable organization in Penang.

What hurts me the most in these 7 years is not that she isn’t my gf, but the fact that she has been in an unhealthy relationship. The guy who is with her has been torturing her mentally and hurting her emotionally.

Especially during the time she was aboard. As she wasn’t settling in well in the new environment, she felt sick often and was generally very weak. In addition to that, this guy would always hurt her and make her cry. I felt so angry and helpless to watch the girl I am in love with being destroyed bit by bit.

I used to call every week while she was there, just to cheer her up and make her smile. I wished I could have just told her to leave him and be with me. I would have taken care of her like a queen, but that would have been unethical to do.

I was so angry at the guy. He had the best girl in the world with him and yet he treated her like trash. Sometimes I wonder why would men do this to the woman they love. How do they find it within themselves to hurt the very being they fell in love with. If he was unhappy with her, he could have just left instead of destroying her self-esteem.

Yet I never understood, despite being bullied in a relationship, she never left him. She stood by his side and choose to remain in the relationship. She was the definition of loyalty in a relationship. I couldn’t help but to fall in love with her even more. She was that one of kind woman and she wasn’t mine.

To be honest, I did try to move on from her during this period of time. I tried dating a couple of woman but I could hardly hold a conversation with them over dinner and eventually would lose interest in them. I couldn’t really tell people why I would stop dating someone but deep in me I knew it was because I was still in love with her. Call me crazy, but she was the only girl I could see being my partner although she was never mine.

One fine day, I received a SMS from her. Back then in 20055 SMS was the thing for us as what Whatsapp is for people today. The moment I got the text from her, I knew she was going through a rough day as always. I just didn’t know in what way was her boyfriend torturing today.

“Hi pa, how are you doing?” She texted.

 “I’m good. Just a little tired down with work. How are you doing ma?” I texted.

“Erm, not good. I actually broke up a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been a mess since that.” She texted.

I froze for a moment. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. I had to read it back a couple of times just to make sure I was seeing it right. I read it back again and yes it does say that she did broke up. I was literally over the moon in joy.

There was a huge smile on my face. As much as I was happy to know that the girl of my dreams was single, I was happier with the fact that she is now no longer in a damaging relationship.

“Are you there pa. No reply from you? Sorry if I am disturbing you.” She texted.

“Sorry, I was doing something just now. No worries you are not disturbing me. When did this happen? How have you been coping?” I texted.

“It’s been really hard. I have been with him for so many years and I don’t know how to deal with this. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. I don’t know why I am texting to you about it.” She texted.

I could feel her pain in the text she sent. Once again I felt horrible about myself for not being there for her to comfort. It was here were I thought of something.

“Do you have any plans Friday night ma. Let me take you out for dinner.I texted.

“What? You must be crazy. I’m in Penang and you are in Kl. That’s like a 5 hour drive. No pa it’s ok.” She texted.

“Haha no ma, actually I am coming to Penang this weekend for a holiday. Coming there on Friday and going back on Sunday. So yeah come let’s meet up on Friday. We never met each other after our university days. I texted.

“Hmm, you’ve already planned the trip is it? Then ok la. You are coming with a friend right? Have you booked your room” She texted.

“Haha yeah it is a planned and yes done with all the booking already. I am coming with a friend. So let’s meet up Friday night Okey?” I texted.

“Yeah sure. I got to go now. I’ll see you Friday.” She texted.

I ended the SMS conversation with a huge grin on my face. I was so happy that I am finally going to see her and this time she is actually single. I quickly picked up my phone and called my best friend.

Cha, you are my best friend right?” I said.

“Yeah, but why are you asking me this. What is it that you want from me? He said.

We are going to Penang this Friday for a vacation. Let’s take half day on Friday and leave to Penang and come back on Sunday. I’ll drive and look for a room to stay. No questions asked cha.” I said.

“Okey you decided already right, then why you asking me. Let’s go Penang. It’s been a while since I went there too. But somehow I feel suspicious about this plan. So randomly you are calling me. Hmm it is Okey. You are my friend and I’ll follow you.” He said with a doubtful tone.

“Thanks Cha. I love you!” I said before hanging up the phone.

So yeah I actually had no plans at all to go for a vacation at all, but I knew I had to go and see her. She is hurt and could do with some companion. What’s the point loving a girl if you are willing to go the distance to make her smile? She was worth travelling every mile to make her smile. That was how much I loved her.

That Friday came and I was driving to Penang with my best friend.

“Cha, let’s go to Gurney Drive for dinner later.” He said.

“Erm actually Cha, tonight I have made a different dinner plan for us. We are meeting a friend of mine for dinner at the mainland.” I said hesitantly.

“Is that friend of yours a girl?” He asked.

“Erm yes cha.” I said.

“And this whole sudden trip to Penang, it is to see her right?” He said.

“Haha yes cha, it is to see her.” I said with an innocent looking smile on my face.

I knew it! I knew the moment you suddenly called me out for a vacation itself, I knew something wasn’t right. You wanted to see her means you should have gone yourself right. Why you bringing me along.” He asked.

“No Cha, if I go alone means it will be very obvious. Plus I already told her I am coming with a friend. You are the only friend who would follow me without asking. So that’s why you. Sorry Cha, I love you.” I said.

“Good, very good. Why am I even friends with you?” He said sarcastically.
“It’s all fate.” I said.

And we continued our drive to Penang. We eventually reached there around 5, checked in to our hotel, took a quick bath before driving to the mainland to meet her for dinner. The three of us met up and we had dinner.

It was so good to make her laugh over dinner. That’s all I ever wanted, which is to make her smile and be happy. After dinner, she and I took a walk by the beach as my friend was smart enough to give us space and not be the 3rd wheel.

“How are you doing ma? How have you been coping with things?” I asked.

“I don’t know. It’s been really tough. I’m just taking it one day at a time.” She said.

“Can I tell you something ma?” I asked.

“Yeah sure.” She said.

“I am actually very happy you broke up with him. I’ve known you for so many years and have seen how you have been in your relationship. Breaking up is the best thing you could have ever done. I said.

“Hmmm, I don’t know ma. I am just so lost and clueless at the moment pa.” She said.

“You deserve to be happy ma. You’ve been through out in the last couple of years and now is your moment to be happy again. I want to be the person that makes you smile again ma. I said.

“What do you mean?” she asked with a little anger in her tone.

“Ma, I have known you for about 7 years now and I have been in love with you the second I first you. You walked pass the staircase near the library and you smiled. I felt in love you right at the moment. I have been waiting 7 years to tell you this and I am not sure if this is the right time but girl I love you and will go the distance to make you happy once again.” I said while holding her hand.

Please don’t do this. Not now. I can’t deal with this right now pa. It been only like a month. I am not ready for this again. In fact I don’t think I will ever be ready again. It was 7 years of hell for me with him. He broke me and shattered me into pieces. I am no longer the same person anymore. I need to find myself back again and the last thing I want now is another relationship. It is just too scary and I hate it.” She said as tears role down her 

“Why are you telling me this now? Why didn’t you tell me this back then when you saw me in university. You know, I actually also liked you. I would have said yes to you instead of him. Now it is all too late. I can’t go through this again.” She said.

Those words pierced my heart sharper then a dagger could. As much it was painful for her to say all this, it hurt me even more hearing it. She could have been my girl only if I have acted quicker back then.

The pain in her voice says it all how much she was broken by him. I understood where she was coming from. She needed time to find herself back again. It could take 1 month, 1 year or maybe even her life time. The last thing I should be doing now is pushing her back again into a relationship although I know I can make her the happiest girl in the world.

We continued speaking a little more before we headed of separate ways. It wasn’t just that night we parted ways, but that was also the last time we ever saw each other. That was back in 2005 and now it’s 2017. That’s 15 years already.

After that night the amount of times we texted each other also reduced over time. I guess she needed her own space to build herself again and that means staying away from me too. We drifted apart over time and years later I met the women I would eventually get married.

The little boy’s proposal to my daughter today lead to the question was my wife my first love and that trigged the beautiful memory of mine on my real first love. It was getting late and I told my daughter that we should get back home. It was that time when I heard someone talking to me.

“Hi pa, do you remember me?” said a female voice.

I turned around and I was shocked to see who it was. It was her. The girl I first felt in love with 20 years ago.

*To Be Continued*

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